If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
