His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
