he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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