I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
