he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
