before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
