Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
