Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
