Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you had me at cake vodka
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
