You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Holy shit dude........stairs
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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