"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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