the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
