chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He shit in the fireplace
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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