I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
