I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
