The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
