I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
