this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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