just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
