we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
