I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
