I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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