You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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