My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
