i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
