She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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