How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Acid is not a monday night drug
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
