I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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