if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
