her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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