Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
