I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize