What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
