Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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