I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you traded sex for a burrito?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
