The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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