i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
