Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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