i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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