he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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