he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
