Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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