I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
