Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
