If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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