She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize