Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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