You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
