I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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