The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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