He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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