he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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