So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
