sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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