I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hippo gnu deer
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
