if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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