does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she told me i tasted like america
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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