when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
