sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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