i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
