He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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