Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
