zippers are such a cool invention
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
